Resume Writing

This is one from the archives. Still funny.

It's as if you have to have a degree in advertising to write an "effective" resume. Dozens of sites offer all sorts of advice or even paid services just to help people with their resumes. As someone trained in the arts, I've been too busy thinking about abstract things like, "Why did Mimi have to die!?" or "What is Mozart trying to tell me by using a neopolitan chord?" Therefore, dedicating time to selling myself as an employable product has been negligible. But now that I'm refocusing my career, I've had to apply to a number of internships and jobs...I don't really think any of this helps - I mean, they either think you have the experience/where-with-all to be hired or not - but here are some tips that I found logical.

Formatting - It's about looks. If your resume is too bland, hiring managers will be bored. Try using bright colors and bold print. Use a different font and color for each heading. To shake your hiring manager's day, try writing in a different angle so they'll have to turn the page around. Add graphics such as a little smiley for every skill you mastered.

Objectives - Must have if you are applying to an internship. The key to a good objective is to think like the employer. BE the employer. Channel his/her frustration over reading hundreds of resumes. What is their motivation to enduring endless paper cuts? What in their childhood influenced their decision to become a hiring manager? What is their favorite color? Look into checking-out some books on character sketches for theatre to truly embody your inner hiring manager.

Quantifiable Benefits - Instead of plunking down your job duties, try to think of ways you have improved your work environment, gained successes, awards you received and why. Employers don't just want to know what you did in your previous, but what you can bring. Did you win the office party hot dog eating contest? How did you do that? Did you train for weeks beforehand? Have you been labeled the office slut? What did you do to gain this prestigious title? Who did you sleep with - were they important in the company? Be specific! Use numbers! How many hot dogs did you eat in how many minutes? How many CEOs have you bedded?

I hope these tips help you all in your employment quests!